A Dark and Stormy Morning Commute

I forced myself to catch a particularly early train at 6:35 AM this morning.  I had no sleep, as the anxiety that came with the fear of missing the early train, kept me awake all night.  The boss is flying in from Silicon Valley to be with us in the Alley this morning.  I need to be sure to be the first one there.  After a few quad venti vanilla lattes, I should be sharp as a tack.  I went through a great deal of trouble to get to the train station that is actually further from my home.  It is earlier and ensures a proper seat.  It’s still dark outside.  I feel like I swallowed a bottle of Nyquil.  I board and instinctively walk until I reach the hind car and sit in by a window in a three-seater midway down the car.  This guy gets on at the next stop and walks past 16 rows of empty seats to sit directly behind me.  

These fellow passengers of ours are the most aggressive, ignorant, self-centered, mean-spirited, passionate, poorly educated, mindless beasts of the outer field that you will ever encounter on this Earth.  Do you expect them to fall in line behind whom ever is there first?  The only good thing about rainy days is the necessity of carrying my umbrella, which I use to shepherd the herd and instruct on the rules of single file cues.

After a long 14-hour day enduring superficial, self-conscious, surface level conversations & narcissistic projections, it is time to speed walk at break ankle speed and navigate my way through the subway system.  The redline trains aka the 2 & 3  are by far the most ridiculously packed, unruly, filthy and overused subway trains...even during off peak hours.  I take the subway to get to Penn Station where millions of people run like a scene out of the movie ‘300’ in opposing directions.  

This evening resulted in a hellish 4 hour commute through Hoboken via a stalled train backed into Newark. I really can't believe the nerve of some of my fellow humans who thought they were going to maneuver past my broad shoulders and elbows after I was standing there waiting for a PATH train for a good hour before they had even arrived.

I leave you with a quote that speaks to the issues that plague my daily journeys.  It's from a distinguished and learned man who would have empathized with my plight.

‎"For a deeply sensitive man of our own class and standing, life is often made difficult by the commonness, the coarseness, the vulgarity of much that confronts us. A sensitive man suffers under unpleasant influences playing upon him." ~The Rt. Rev. Dr. Sir Wedgewood (Knight of Saint John of Rhodes and Malta, Arch Bishop in the Old Catholic Church)

If they don't exit at SEC, they'll get off at Bloomfield

These two ladies, one with a horrendous laugh, just threw themselves into a seat behind me on a 5:45 pm rush hour train from Penn Station NYC to New Jersey.  Out of all the trains running during peak hours, this is by far the most crowded and most aggressive time slot.  You can see the way the men circle and pace between monitors, positioning themselves by doors, relying upon senses of psychometry to reveal to them which track their train might be coming on so that they can lunge forward, backpacks and messenger bags in tow, hoping to get any obtainable advantage over the other commuters that physics might allow for. 

Now these two got on relatively early, as the trains board 10-9 minutes early, and there was still 5 minutes left of boarding time.  They were just tickled with themselves about how seamlessly they arrived on the train.  They had apparently expected a much greater ordeal.  I was cringing inside, partly because their banter and that horrendous laugh was putting my human patience to the test as I was already engulfed (or trying to be) in my reading materials for the trip home, and partly because I was anticipating with some anxiety, the inevitable backlash that their giggles and incomplete sentences would inevitably solicit from the crowd of regulars in the front car, one of two designated and self policed “quiet cars” on the line. 

After making the required stop at Secaucus, the underclass of Bergen County began to exit from their standing positions in the aisles, brown bagged beers in hand...and a few of them climbed suddenly and forcefully from their middle seats claimed just 4 minutes prior.  You see, Secaucus riders indiscriminately board the first train they see with SEC next to it, as this designates a train that makes that stop as opposed to EWR for Newark Penn Station.  Predictably, Laverne and Shirley both exited at Bloomfield with their New Jersey Italian American Urban accents and endless banter.

Anytime you see the guys with the brown bag cans of Bud Light, they are getting off at Secaucus.  You can put money on it.  Occasionally they might ride as far as Newark Broad in order to transfer to the Morris-Essex or the Summit/New Providence/Dover line, but 98% of the time that guy is getting off at Secaucus.  I don't know what it is about the Bergen/Port Jervis commuter, but they are an entirely different breed from the more cultured and IMHO more civil found in my own town.

The Lethargic Conductor Lays His Game Down in the Quiet Car

The train pulled into Bloomfield this morning, and the Kleenex rituals began. Synchronized sneezes and productive coughs rang out from every other seat. Could these selfish beasts not take a sick day or work from home? 

The consistently rude, disengaged and lethargic conductor kicked us out of the front car just now. All the cars on the train are packed, but never mind that.  He's got some ladies he needs to lay his game on. Priorities, man!  

Can someone please explain to me why both the A/C and the heat are on? Only in a NJ Transit Bizzaro World is this possible.  It gets better.  Today, we are left to enforce quiet car rules on our own, despite the highly delicate atmosphere of class warfare that such a thing entails in such an economically diverse area.  Today's skies should be sunny with a slight chance of aggravated assault.  

Nose Blowers on NJ TRANSIT trains

Just once, I would like to ride to work on the train without the persons beside me and directly behind me, blowing their nose. I changed seats the other morning solely to get away from a man who clearly had nasal issues...only to be caught between two people equipped with custom tissues, viral respiratory infections and a total disregard for their fellow man.  If only these nose blowers were arrested and codes of basic decency were enforced with some regularity.  Last week, I was the first to board, thanks to my Clever Commute application on my Android phone.  But, invariably the train filled, and a fellow sat in front of me.  Just then, he and the chap who had just dead dropped into the seat to my left (an incredibly inconsiderate and selfish action that can cause one to drop their coffee all over their shirt or worse go into cardiac arrest), proceeded into an obscene and unsanitary round robin of automatic sneezes without the slightest attempt to cover, stifle or suppress the same.

Commuting into New York City has developed into a neurotic obsession with preventing or dreading becoming ill, though I have not had so much as a sniffle in over two years.  This is owed mostly to my hyper awareness and ability to work from home when the proles in the receivables department start turning up as martyrs in their cube farm with the latest bar cough.  

I fault my own mother for not raising me to know this ritual that every other American commuter in the hellhole of Penn Station appears to be so intimately acquainted, whereby as soon as one sits down in their seat they must immediately draw a tissue & begin to blow their nose forcefully. The true Masters of this Rite are able to summon a contagious cough to follow year round.

Most men in this country appear to be in dire need of a visit to the Ear, Nose & Throat Doctor. I do not at all relate to nor understand the constant phlegm snorting and spitting. I find it revolting.  Sure...sit down next to me, pull out a full meal and share it via your mouth breathing. Now...you blow your nose with your napkin to signify you are finished.